North Coast Oregon

Articles listed under the tag: Parody

BREAKING: Other Local Towns Claim North Coast Business Park

by Tryan Hartill

In a emergency joint meeting between the Astoria City Council and the Astoria Planning Commission the City will lay claim to North Coast Business Park. First the Planning Commission voted 7-0 to move Astoria’s Urban Growth boundary so that it encompasses the Business Park. Minutes later the City Council approved the action and immediately set up a New Urban Renewal District around the Park. Planning Commission President Andy Temper said this is an excellent opportunity for the City and that next on the agenda was to make it mandatory for every Astoria resident to buy a new two-by-four and paint roller for protection. Astoria Mayor Will Van Huesen said he is already in contact with 20 gas station owners and they all will open up new stations at the park. Will says “not only will we get Urban Renewal money, but the revenue generated from the new gas stations bring in millions”.

As the meeting ended Seaside was just starting their own emergency meeting. According to Seaside Mayor Lon Darson the Business Park is actually theirs and has been for over 100 years and they have a 1895 map to prove it. When asked what they plan to do with the property Darson responded, “we plan to truck in 52,000 loads of sand and build 500 volleyball courts”.

Minutes after the meeting was over, the Cannon Beach City Council got wind of the news and called a meeting of their own. According to Mayor J.J. “Jay” Williams they have proof that the Business Park is actually theirs. NCO asked “Jay” about that and he responded, “A page fell out of the Journal of Lewis and Clark and we have it in our vault, the page is in Latin and when translated it reads ‘In the year 2007 the City of Cannon Beach will be awarded 75 acres of the best swampland around’......and this proves it’s ours because the Business Park obviously sits on the best swampland in the County.”

NCO also asked the City of Gearhart Councilor Huck Chluter how he felt about all the claims on the Park, Chluter: “I don’t really care about the Park, but someone just cut a tree down in their front yard without a permit and they are going to pay dearly”.

Next NCO contacted County Manager Scottie Erickson and asked how he felt about all the activity. Scottie: “I don’t like it one bit and at the next Commission meeting I am going to recommend that the county give me a pool table to put in my new office”. Scottie noted that he was late for a “Tea and Scones” meeting with District Attorney Gosh Marquee and told us to speak with his Assistant Keb Draske. Draske: “I can’t believe those bastards on the Astoria Council would do this!” She also noted that she will have a golf mat installed on top of the 800 Exchange Building and will launch golf balls at Astoria City Hall during her lunch hour.

NCO next made a phone call to Warrenton Mayor Gill “Gramps” Crampson. Crampson: “I don’t care who gets the Park as long as we can pick up the garbage”.

Stay tuned for more developments!

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